Hallmark: the Cable Net for When Even Peanut Butter Is Scary

Buy the Hallmark Channel: it’s predictable. That’s the message that the cable channel gave to advertisers yesterday during its upfront presentation explaining why it’s a good buy as opposed to the dozens of other networks out there. The real theme was “predictability in an unpredictable world”, but, whatever the wording, it raises an interesting question about what we viewers really want to watch after a tough day of watching the bungee-jumping Dow, getting laid off or avoiding calls from creditors.

The network said it would produce 35 original movies this year — making it the top channel in TV in that regard. Get a load of some of these movie descriptions, courtesy of my friends at Mediaweek:

• “Mrs. Miracle”, the story of a magical housekeeper who arrives at Christmastime;
• “A Soldier’s Love Story”, which focuses on the impact of a young boy’s letter to a soldier serving overseas;
• “Shadow on the Mesa,” about a half-Indian gunfighter who meets the white father he never knew;
• “The Night Before The Night Before Christmas,” the whimsical tale of a family trying to save the annual tradition.

Honey, while you’re at the store, can you get me a case of Kleenex? Hallmark’s Saturday night movie is on!

But seriously, there’s something to be said for feel-good programming featuring magical housekeepers. The news is so bad some days it’s as though the broadcast and cable news networks are baiting us us to turn the channel, and there’s only so many reruns of “Law and Order” someone can watch without coming to the conclusion that, deep-down, we’re all capable of murder. That’s not exactly a great thought to go to sleep on.

While the network is suffering from the ad downturn, like virtually everyone else, I bet this comfort-food strategy will work. Not only do viewers want to be comforted these days, but, if you’ve taken a look at some of the warm and fuzzy ads out there recently, advertisers want to be associated with it.

One type of sponsor, however, that Hallmark probably won’t get is peanut butter. According to a story about yesterday’s presentation in Broadcasting & Cable, network chief Henry Schleiff said, “One day you have a job and the next day is gone. One day you have money, the next day it’s gone. One day you’re eating peanut butter, the next day you’re gone. There is no predictability in the world and that’s what we’re trying to provide.” Yeah, I think Skippy will be skipping Hallmark.